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Thursday, July 9th, 2009
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10:07 pm
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hi.
evicted from cleveland heights apartment for not paying rent..
kicked out of colleens moms house for fighting too intensely, using drugs and getting drunk too much. cool me.
kicked out of my moms house for getting drunk.
kicked out of my dads house for there just not being enough room.
off of heroin. and alcohol. and hopefully soon, cigarettes.
don't know what else to say.
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| Tuesday, January 27th, 2009
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5:05 pm
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i'm at the coventry library even though it's not the closest to where i live now.
right now i live near the corner of monticello and green. on a road called Clinton. like the president. not the senator.
nothing is right yet, but things are not bad. just not right. i'm thinking of spending a few days at the salvation army adult rehabilitation facility. it's funny, about that. the only reason i know it's an adult rehabilitation facility is because that's where i met L to buy dope from today. i said "hey, you know this is a rehab place, don't you?" and he said "yeah.." with a careless tone. okay, i said.
i have a day bus pass today.
where i'm staying, with my wifes mom, we have the basement to live in and her room to sleep in. i brought the tv over and her mom has cable, so i've been living like a pot head teenager watching cable and drinking 40's of colt on the basement couch. it's an enjoyable break before leaving for portland in a couple days. her mom wants me to real bad. so does my mom. so do my friends. the only people who don't want me to leave are my drug dealers, who think it's a stupid idea.
drugs are bad.
i'm going to go to the bathroom now. no more entries probably till west coast.
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| Friday, January 23rd, 2009
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3:29 pm
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i'm trying to raise 193 dollars by the 30th for a train ticket so's not to spend the rest of my state jail in life. if you have a friend who is help and who can rich, please dig me. ok thank you bye.
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1:27 pm
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we got our 3 day notice to leave the apartment the day before yesterday. it's an option to stay until the eviction is complete. the reason i don't think i will is because when applying for future apartments, eviction is not good looking to the apartment wizards who'll decide if i can live in their building or not.
so what's happening is colleen is going to live with her mom. i don't know where i'm going to live. what's good about this is it will force us to clean up our lives. since she totalled the orange car (colleen fell asleep and ran into the back of an SUV and destroyed her orange monster of a car), i've been taking the bus down to 55th and Euclid to buy dope, and having to pop it in strange dirty bathrooms, all paranoid and itchy.
i might be able to stay at the apartment my mother owns that i used to live at. it's a very good chance, though, that she'll say she doesn't want me anywhere near her or her apartment. or condo. laraine knows what i'm talking about. she lived there once.
i can't stay with colleen's mom because she thinks i'll steal from her. i might've a couple months ago. i don't think i would now.
either way, what i mean is the move will force colleen to stop with the heron and it'll force old me to stop with the heron and it'll force us both to be somewhat grown ass adult men and women. no more having life revolve around heroins and tricks.
i know i have no right to complain or anything, but i can't handle her being a whore anymore either. i couldn't really handle it in the first place, but it's really started making my silly head go sort of crazy, lately. really. it really has. really, really has. old stradlatters comb. really was.
noneof my thought are collected. i'm just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.
things could be worse, though. that indictment could show up and i could go back to jails. which might happen, since i'm stupid and haven't left oher yettttttttttttttttttt . . . .
hi what's up how are you are you well ok good
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| Monday, January 12th, 2009
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9:16 am
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things are fine. i'm at a different library. i'm a very paranoid man lately. it is annoying my wife, the precautions we must take. but i say "if we do not take these precautions, colleen, we will surely slip up and end up incarcerated!" and she understands and i understand.
eleven.
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| Thursday, January 8th, 2009
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2:17 pm
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right when i finally have everything cleared and i'm feeling all safe and sound walking around and knowing that if i'm stopped i have no warrents... i get caught up in a fucking sting and get a fucking indictment thrown at my stupid ass.
here's what happened and why i'm smart and you're stupid. the girl was texting. which is out of the ordinary. that was clue number one. clue two; everyone around the apartment was looking like they were very aware of everything going on. four strong looking men were just.. standing around. when i saw this, i walked right by. took a short walk around the corner, back to the car, and we left. later that night the cop calls me on C_____'s phone and says "who's this?" who the fuck is this? "well, guess what? we're sending you an indictment for soliciting the sales of drugs." "quit doin' drugs you filthy low life" he says, and "it's people like you that deserve to rot in jail for the rest of their lives."
no its not! it's people like the guy that robbed the quick stop on 77th and cedar and killed the owner that deserve that. or people that hit cripples. people that set homeless shelters on fire. people that rape women and kill animals. not drug addicts. drug addicts deserve treatment. you don't know how fucking hard it is to get treatment, you asshole pig. it's not just something like "ok, i want to get clean, sign me up, bring me there. i'm ready." it's a long fucking waiting list and a long wait and of course you're going to fall off the wagon during that wait, or lose touch with the treatment center. of course. you're a shit eating pig.
now my phone is tapped and i have to make important calls on the pay phone. my friends phones are probably tapped and the best shit in cleveland is off the market.
everybody knew it would blow up sometime, because he was getting so cocky. the feeling was in the air, and i think he knew. maybe he had a couple pigs that he paid off for tips. i just have this feeling that he knew, and he let C______ take the fall. she was so careless and stupid, he couldn't have trusted that things wouldn't fall apart with her. and the day before it all happened, he changed his number and had some random white dude on the voicemail. for a week before, he only had his brother and her working. he didn't do anything himself. so, in retrospect, he may just be on some vacation in floridy for a couple days and shit will be back together next week. maybe he got popped too. who cares. i'm out. i want off the shit either way. i'm sick of living such a worryful life. waking up every morning with "the fear". B_____ got cocky and the first thing they tell you is "the minute you get greedy, you're going to get caught". an older fellow like B_____ has surely heard this and did not yeild.
what sucks is now i'm paying 20 for what i used to pay 10 for. but today, right now, i'm well and healthy and i can sleep. today, everything is okay. tomorrow is tomorrow.
so i'm a marked man again and i need to get the fuck out of ohio before shit goes down.
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| Monday, January 5th, 2009
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2:12 pm
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my grandfather hired a bunch of mystics and shamans and special hippie types to dance and sprinkle fairy dust and bless his lawn at 6 am every morning. he thinks that it will make his bushes and grass grow handsomer and that they'll win their neighborhoods contest for old people with the most handsome lawn. i was sleeping on the couch over there, pretending to be asleep while he got ready for work (suit, tie, grapefruit, vitamins, medicine, nytroglycerin pill in pocket..), and i noticed these mystics arriving in the back of a pickup truck. i could see them because the couch was facing a sliding glass door and the door looked out onto the back yard. they started dancing and the shaman started spinning around manically and the rest of them were whispering to the grass and sweet talking the bushes. i thought that this was a very strange new approach for my grandfather to take. but he's always done strange things. and clumsy things.
after half an hour some of the mystics had finished and were drinking coffee in the driveway. two of them were still in the backyard. there was a deer eating birdfood from the birdfeeder, and they were admiring it. one of them had long white hair in a pony tail and carried a large knife on his leg. he also had some other tools fastened to his belt. he's the one that noticed me watching them. he saw me and smiled, and then he pointed to the deer. right when he did that, the deer stopped eating and became defensive. it made a long, loud deer noise. he pointed still and the deer rolled over twice on the grass and started to run away. it was scared. when it started running away, it gave a little hop, and i swear this is true; when it made that little hop, it turned into a goddamn bird! and it flew away. as a bird. there was no more deer left. i couldn't believe it. a bird!
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| Tuesday, December 30th, 2008
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12:09 pm
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going to jail sucks. i went to jail again. i am out of jail now. going to jail sucks. that's that about going to jail. 7 more days i'll never have done anything with anyway.
what now.
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| Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
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4:28 pm
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it's kind of funny and kind of saddish. i ended up going to my ma's. what happened was this: i had a lot of left over stash left. and colleen and i stopped fighting for a couple minutes. so we both went there and watched some cable tv. smoked a roach. did some drugs and held each other on the couch all night. we walked to the store holding hands and bought some pepsi with silver change. we buried it in the snow and walked to k mart for some fried chicken. we didn't buy the fried chicken, we bought some swiss cake rolls and old donuts. i found some cigarette butts to smoke and we walked home with the food, picked up the pepsi on the way, and i smoked my cigarette butts. at the house we ate junk food, smoked a roach of weeds, drank cold pepsi and watched glorious cable tv. cable tv! when the time came, we did some dope and nodded our tired bodies deeply to sleep in my freshly made bedroom bed. i had some paranoid dreams about stuff. in one dream, i was at this bar, meeting up with Butch for 40. i gave him the money and then he flipped out. he threw a big giant freezer bag full of dope and a guy who apparantly was the guy who butch goes to. Butch said "sorry ryan. i quit. you go see sal (who was the guy) and make sure he gives you something good" that's what he said. so i go to the guy and he serves me up a big pile of dope in a good eze paper. wow. great. this is good, i think. this will be nice. so i sit down at the table for some reason and i realize that all of these apocalypse type hipsters are giving me the fuck-you eye. the eye that people give you when they want what you have and might hurt you so that they can take it. fuck all of them. one woman, next to me, is mock kicking me, as a joke. and i notice a man in back of me. but then something strange happens. you see, they're all watching a movie. a film. in the film, a punk rocker is fucking a slightly chubby girl who looks exactly like my ex girlfriend. right down to the .. you know. he's fucking her, right? and what happens next? he fuckin gets shot right in the head and she starts freaking out! she's screaming and seizuring and screaming and she starts shitting uncontrollably like a rat when a rat gets scared and just starts emptying all of the shit from its body. she's doing this, right, and there's this big pile of shit under her, and then her fucking belly button explodes and vomit pours out of that. by now, she's stopped screaming, because she too is dead, and all, ALL of the apocalypse hipsters have emotionally been affected by this. they're saying "oh my god!" and "ohmygodohmygodOHMYGOD!" and stuff! what the fuck? most of them leave the room, and i'm still sitting at this table, thinking "what the fuck, man?" now most of them are good except for a few random bar customers, so i grab this big grip of heroin and i split, as fast as i can. i know that if they realize i'm leaving, they'll chase me and steal my drugs, and if they do that, i'll cry because i don't have any more money, and what i have here is worth so much more than the 40 dollars i gave butch. so i'm out in the parking lot and i'm frantically searching for my car, they cadillac, and it's not where i parked it. there are hardly any cars in the parking lot by now. i'm loking hard and almost freaking out, and then... i wake up. colleen is asleep next to me. i have a bag with needles and a cooker and water bottle in it on the night table next to me, but there's no heroin, because the night before i'd resolved that i was quitting forever. i am sad. this dream has gotten me all worked up, excited for this gram or two of dope and then shot right the fuck down like a duck in duck hunt. 'i have got to find a way to cop' i say to myself, and by 2 o'clock i've put 5 bags in my arm and have 7 more in my pocket. OK.
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| Monday, December 8th, 2008
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1:09 pm
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found a new one. a fat one. i call it my Ron Goldman vein. I don't know why. i've called other veins Ron Goldman. Don't know why. Don't care to care to care to care.
Sweat pants. Blue sweater from Macy's. i stole it the other day. and a watch. brown band. broken already, like they all. and i took some of those boxers that you buy individually because they're so special and silky. i took one of those. pink. with Tommy Hilfigure dealios on em.
today i'm going to quit my job and move back home. i can't live with my crazy violent wife any more. if you thought you knew me in the past, and you thought i was violent, i'm say today you'd meet a calm man. not very content. not stoned on pot. not normal or stupid.
my wife is crazy and violent and scary nowadays. we're both drug addicts and she's going to murder me one day. no one murders ryan chase. no one. if anyone is going to kill me it's me who's gonna kill me. if you think you can take that away from me then i've probably got to kill us both. and your mom would be so sad if she found out i killed sweet little colleen. cause you're so sweet, right? your friend rachael thinks you're so sweet. your mom thinks you're so innocent and sweet. i hope somebody shows them this silly little internet thingy and they read this line about how you've been shooting heroin for the past year and a half, just as much as your horrible heroin addict husband has been doing, and i hope they realise that you're a liar and a prostitute and a bad, bad person who god should strike down right now but try not to hit me with friendly god-fire because i'm right next to you and your seat is where bad women sit. you can't just go through life thinking you're so god like and saint like because your friend rachael says you're suffering and your sister hates ryan and will say anything to get you to can him. you can think you're so great because these people tell you you are. if that's how life was, i'd have some illusion that i'm great and good and all of those things just because i have a few friends who like who i am. everyone has friends. everyone has someone who likes who they are. saddest of all is you used to be the someone who liked who i am and i used to be the someone who liked who you are and now i feel nothing but sadness and hostility toward you. i'm getting out of here. you can score your own dope and learn to hit yourself and end up overdosing yourself because i know you're that stupid, and have fun, cause i'll be clean as a whistle with a wallet full of 20's that i'll spend on whatever i want. clean. no love. just money and blood. kill you. kill aliens. kill ryan and aliens. love ryan the alien.
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| Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
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4:22 pm
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right now i've gut a schwetty foehee-ad. the lady next to me said 'oh god'. maybe i smell? i think it's not related though, because then she got up and removed her printed out piece of paper from the printing machine. did she pay a dime? did she?! why is she so flustered? fuck!
last night sucked a lot. i'm healthy though. and today i'm healthy too. i'm too healthy today. i need to go home and sleep some. good bye. it's almost 5. tut tut.
after work i shall.
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| Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
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2:17 pm
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try, fail, try, fail. try. fail. go off, go on, go off, go on. try, fail. right now, things are just so rich.
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| Wednesday, November 19th, 2008
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4:01 pm
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i was supposed to go in this morning but i didn't. whenever you want to quit, something spectacular happens. spectacular really does. last time what was it? hmm. it was, uh. hmm. oh. it was that check; the check cashing scheme check. and that held me over for a while. cadillac. black tar. coke. et cetra and so forth. (and i tried sending a picture of my pretty little cadillac to my email from my phone, but as of right now, a few minutes after, i am not sure it is going to work. my phone is revol and colleen told me that we can only send photos to other revol subscribers.)
(actually, it worked. my email is subscribed to revol and i got the picture, and i will post it here for you to see my cadillac and note that it wasn't what you thought it would look like. fuck you all, then. it has side skirts and i think it's beautiful.)
this is my baby in the exchange parking lot. it's so much less embarrassing than my wifes orange pontiac vibe. god.
yes, i think it's a fine machine. very nice interior as well. leather and wood.
this time it was just a case of the dealer handing me a gram and saying "ryan, knock yourself out, and by the way, you smell, so after you get yourself well, go change those damn clothes, boy."
and that's why i'm still a free man today. driving cadillac car. thinking about girls and drugs and music.
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| Monday, November 17th, 2008
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4:13 pm
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i keep not going into detox. colleen keeps turning tricks. life keeps being the way it's been for a year now.
i got a check for $3,550 in the mail today. you should assume that this check will either kill me or send me back to oregon. or both both both both. both. both both both both both both both. both. both both.
that's all. that's ever. ryan space.
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| Friday, November 14th, 2008
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4:40 pm
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i've been thinking about 23rd and pablo and brock today. if brock's not dead, he's probably doing something that is annoying someone. fuck brock. fuck red, too. and fuck bernard and jason and winfield, who's got my cd player; and fuck crazy nick.
i walked around tower city today. my plan was to get high. i did 4 bags in my car on the west side and then managed to somehow drive to public square and park. i paid the meter, which is something that i've never done before in my life. this must mean that mental health is returning. i asked a man for a cigarette and he gave me one. had my own lighter. i have been telling myself all week that today is my last day. friday. and that on saturday i'm kicking for good and never using again. using has made me stupid and boring and when i'm strung out i don't feel like writing and when i'm high i don't feel like kissing or making appointments or being a good person. i only feel like doing some more in a few hours.
so tomorrow i'm going to be miserable and sick. amen.
love
ryan patrik space
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| Tuesday, November 11th, 2008
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2:53 pm
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i planted some plants today in some coffee cans using soil that i stole from the garden behind Tommy's restaurant. i stole the soil because i know it's fertilized and i want my plants to be happy.
right now they're listening to the sitar music indian show on wcsb. i think it's john carrols radio station. whatever.
colleen is a bitch and she's a bitch.
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| Monday, November 10th, 2008
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3:19 pm
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ah vee da shway du vi.
i love colleen and i think she loves me. seriously, though. we hate each other. ho ho ho ha hee hee hee.
he he he he he he hehe. what? oh do hoh oh o. sluuuu.
she's okay and i'm okay. we're okay. we do everything together. she yells at me when i park the car and it's not where she wantsta park the car. it's a car and i don't know. i do me best. she does her skinniest. i'll blee.
soccer.
lady at library on phone: "she dint come here! she dint come here!" long sigh from her. end of conversation.
lotsa this lately, huh? i can't keep my eyes open. this is no way to be in a public library. no sir. no way to be.
anyway,
shwee,
ryan chase cahse haces
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| Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
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4:28 pm
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it's too late tonight
too late
to eat a hamburger
i am a seagull
when my friends caw
i know there's some garbage in the parking lot
i'm going to eat it
i'm not going to be a prostitute
not for a pack or a lucy
you asshole
dirty pennys for a quarter
quarter to call my girlfriend
where's your girlfriend anyway?
lady asks again
lady asks how they got so dirty
i say they were on a dirty table
they really were on a dirty table
and
aren't you brother and sister?
she left a few days after we said no
i wanted to fuck her really bad
she was so pretty and russian
she's not the lady, she's a russian woman
the lady is fat and black and has kind eyes
like the russians eyes except she's still there
and my russian has gone away
i'd still fuck her i guess because
i'm like that
and none of it is really so sad, or sad at all
it's just convenience store sex politics
i have sex with one woman
loose colleen pussy
lady laughs says you always say 'mm'
i say mmm and uh lady laughs
mmm
i shot a seagull and injected it's blood
into my right arm
what i felt was fear
of maybe getting sick from
doing what i did
i'm really good at it
they all say let ryan do it
he's really good at it
i'm so humble, pious, jealous,
dirty, laughing, smelly,
unclean, unpleasant
nice, kind,
likable, dislocated, sad
very unlikable,
very unattractive
i'm really good at doing them
they do me, i can
do myself, i do myself and
then i do them.
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11:39 am
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i am glad.
i'll do a lot of things for money, right now. like dog walking.
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| Sunday, November 2nd, 2008
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1:54 pm
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The asian man is on the courtesy phone here at the library. sometimes i have a cell phone. sometimes i don't. my minutes ran out again yesterday. that's what happened to my minutes.
i'm wearing sweat pants. i found them in someones garbage on the curb. they looked like they'd be too small, but they ended up fitting perfectly. they have what looks like cum stains on the right leg. whatever. it's not my cum. my cum is probably not very strong. i know this because i use a lot of drugs and drink a lot of so-da.
obama is having a rally downtown today with springsteen. when i pick colleen up from work we're going to go see if we can get in.
i'm still shaking really badly and sweating waterfalls. aren't i attractive?
i tried getting into laurelwood the other day. didn't end up going when i was supposed to.
i'm not worried. for today.
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